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Pinay.com | August 16, 2018

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goddess_sistar, Author at Pinay.com

goddess_sistar

Writer. Artist. Singer. Chef. Seeker. Student. Teacher. Dreamer. Dancer. Healer. Chocolate Lover. Photographer. Communicator. Traveler. Activist. Interviewer. Listener. Excavator. Creator. Poet. Animal-Lover. Feminist. Vegan. Goddess-Sistar like all Women of this Earth....

Posts By goddess_sistar

Vegan Vagina Vortex

Check out my blog: Vegan Vagina Vortex http://veganvaginavortex.blogspot.com/ for a glimpse of how I see the World… (more…)Read More

External Blog Entries

Dearly Beloved

8 August 2018 | 4:57 am

In the dark, all we could hear was the hiss of the stones.  
Some around us breathed heavily as the heat slowly covered us.  
I lowered my head to the Earth.  
My hand reached for the unknown and he caught it, 
grasping it as his fingers intertwined with mine.

I sang, low to the ground, projecting my voice.  
They listened.  
I placed my hand on him as I sang in the dark and his voice joined mine.  
The prayers swirled and danced with the Ancestors.

I needed to lean, 
I needed to finally let go and feel support.  
He was there next to me, 
heart bleeding and his soul baring all.

Being held in the Womb of the Great Mother's arms,
the Sacred Ancestors singing at our feet,
I was left as though naked and raw
facing the Black Mirror within.

And he held my hand through it all
and my armor melted.

We leaned into each other,
my lips kissing his open palm
and even now...
these words are not enough.

Soul
and
Heart Calling
with a
Fire
blazing
in the background.

....

The Voices started their whispering after we all crawled out.  I didn't know what to say or how to act.  Pretend like it didn't happen? Re-remember who we were from the time before?  Ceremony has this way of peeling off the layers and removing any defensive armor we've brought with us.

I felt confusion and slight guilt for what occurred.  I felt as though I betrayed someone dear to me and I also wondered why I couldn't just receive it as a Gift for that's what it truly was.

In all my years I've been on the Red Road, this was my first time something like this transpired.  It never felt wrong at the time it occurred, it was only afterward I allowed the Voices to slither with their whispers.

They began to infiltrate the cracks and seams of whatever defenses were left.  Then, my Onto family stepped in with their Love and Wisdom.

'The Past is Complete.'

I closed the Door then.  To those Fears and Old Stories.  To the times I was hurt by men.  To the pain that said I was unlovable.  To the wounds that lied and said I was broken.  I kissed the door and nodded my Good-Bye.

I am Whole today.  I am Grace today.  I am Light today. 
I embody LOVE always.

I felt you, my Dear Beloved, in those sweet gentle hands that held me with such care.
I felt you in the songs and prayers,
in the fires and the wind...
and in every step I take.

~~~~

PC: unknown

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‘A’ word with The Darkness

18 July 2018 | 2:46 am

‘A’ word With The Darkness 
(From an Addict’s perspective)

By: Athena Arcayan 
Photo taken in 2012, from L to R:
Danny, myself and Tony

I spent many hours of the day and night with my friend, Tony, talking about the ‘A’ word. We would refer to it as The Darkness, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the band but in reality, it was too fitting and apropos a description. 

Sometimes the Elephant in the room, the bane of so many is: Addiction. 

Tony’s drug of choice was Heroin aka Smack.  I asked him once if the feeling ever went away. 
‘You mean: me wanting it all the time? No. Never. It never goes away.’

I’d have this mental picture of a Dark Cloud always hovering over him or near him. I thought if I ever did a painting of it, this might be an accurate depiction. 

I’m an Addict as well. I can easily check off all the boxes of infamous NA* and AA* meetings I’ve attended. AND, I can certainly relate to OA* and SAA*. If my Addiction were to ever be painted, it would be a painting of me with large holes in different spots on my body, especially around my heart. They’re very much like empty spots, unable to be filled by anything but disease and the hunger of addiction.

My journey started years ago with alcohol and then turned to pill popping. I struggled with it for decades until I received a wake up call where I had to choose between living and dying. When I finally decided to remove them from my life, I replaced the alcohol & drugs with food, sex and other distractions. It took many many hours of therapy, friends, spiritual work, ceremonies/rituals to help heal and tend to the ‘holes’ of my heart, mind, body and spirit. 

I wanted to share a little bit of my story, with the intention of attempting to share my friend’s pain because I think it might help to bring some semblance of understanding and to also shed some light. 

Why? (Some might ask.)

Recently, a friend of a friend lost someone she cared about to his Addiction. He had also OD’d on heroin and I can almost hear her inner dialogue of grief:
- ‘Why didn’t I (insert anything from call or be there more, etc.)?’
- ‘Why didn’t he/she call me?’
- ‘Why do I feel so guilty?’

As my friend stood still, doing her best to not look me in the eye as tears rolled down her face, I grabbed her hand and told her:
‘I’m sorry this happened. It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing more you could have done. You did all you could do.’

And that, unfortunately, is the sad truth for so many, too. 

This Darkness is much bigger than ANY of us. 
It blocks out Love. 
It consumes. 
It is never satiated and is ALWAYS hungry. 
It never has enough and always wants MORE. 

It’s as though it were a Black Hole, sucking the breath and life all around it. It Takes. And what it gives back in return is pain, suffering, longing, and inevitably: death. There is the temporary euphoria and reprieve from pain, but it comes at a very high cost. At times, in the end, your Life is cashed in as payment.

It’s a similar feeling to those seeking solace at the bottom of a glass or bottle (of alcohol). The difference is it comes in liquid form and from a societal standpoint, it’s more socially accepted (less judgement, in my opinion). 

The Root Cause? The source of where the suffering stems from varies person to person. Some have suffered from a myriad of abuses throughout their lives. Some of it is hereditary. Some come from good homes and normal/healthy upbringings with no history of Addiction whatsoever. Some had little to no coping skills on how to maneuver and manage their emotions throughout their life. 
My friend, the one who walked with his Darkness finally succumbed to it after nearly 4 decades of struggling with it. I, like many others, was a phone call away but instead he fed his unsatiated hunger, which resulted in him dying later of a cardiac arrest. 

News of his death spread fairly quickly.  Disbelief, shock, anger and tears rippled throughout the community of friends and loved ones. It’s taken me a year to write about it and finally share. 

My heart went out to my friend as she struggled to put words to her grief and name the culprit who was responsible for the death of someone she cared for deeply. 

When we can name things and share things authentically, it can help those that still live with ‘The Darkness’. It breaks my heart to know that many feel alone and are too steeped in their suffering to see any other way out. 

For those of you who live with Addiction and this Darkness, you are NOT alone and there’s always help. I pray that you have the willingness and trust to reach out and ask for it.  There are people that care, love you and want to help. Trust and Believe me with All My Heart. 

I’ve been to the bottom of the Pit. One thing I know is this: there’s only one way out of that Pit and that’s UP. 

For those of you grieving, I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you.  I think one of the most challenging things is not the actual death part but being left behind and not being able to be with the ones we love anymore. 

For me, to have gotten to this place I’m at today is due to the willingness of being HONEST with myself. When I got to that point of realization, the next step I took was allowing myself to Feel everything. All. The. Feels. Then, I found people I could trust to share what was going on/what I was feeling, etc. After that, I made healthy choices physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I found a practice (or a series of things) that helped me to work through things in a positive way. I participate in regular Ceremonies/Rituals.  I write and create. I decide every day if I want to be Happy (or not) and extend Gratitude to both the good and bad. Others have found that yoga or hiking, etc. help them. Or they go to the gym or find a church because they’re in need of some kind of Community. Some join AA, NA, etc. Find something that resonates with you. It’s out there. 

‘The wound is the place where the Light enters you.’ -Rumi

The Darkness can only live within if you continue to feed it. When the Soul Sustenance is Light and you truly welcome Love to nourish you, that’s where you can begin to experience freedom from suffering. 

Please know I hold you all in my heart with Gratitude and infinite Love. 
Let’s help one another. 

(Listed Below are links that may assist with information on addiction, counselling, etc.)

For Addiction:
- Alcoholics Anonymous:
https://www.aa.org

- Narcotics Anonymous:
https://www.nar-anon.org

- SAMHSA:
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

For the Bereaved/Grieving:
- Project Know:
https://www.projectknow.com

- New Beginnings Rehab:
https://www.newbeginningsdrugrehab.org/guide-to-dealing-with-death-of-addict

- GRASP:
http://grasphelp.org/m/

*
NA=Narcotics Anonymous 
AA=Alcoholics Anonymous 
OA=Overeaters Anonymous 
SAA=Sex Addicts Anonymous 

(Background story of the photo above: This was taken in 2012, outside the tattoo shop Danny owned and Tony worked at, just before I left for Europe. Danny died in 2013. Tony followed him 4 years later in 2017. Both struggled with drugs and addiction).

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The Mirror

10 June 2018 | 8:10 am

                                  


The Mirror
Writing piece by: Athena Arcayan           
Photo Credit: Marc Timmons aka Crazy
There’s a Myth about The Mirror. Not the one that steams up when you take a shower. Not the one you use to put on your make up or shave your face. This one lies within. 
It comes in many forms. Sometimes it takes on the face of a lover. Sometimes a story. Sometimes, like Love, it comes when you least expect it. 
And when you look whole heartedly, with your Heart wide open and all armor has been cast off… when your Spirit soars in the clouds and stars beyond… when you can surpass the bullshit and ego driven desire… 
What Will You See?
When the Flames of a beautiful Fire are burning before you, the stories and laughter its source of fuel… when even the biggest rainstorm pours buckets and that Fire still stays lit… when your prayers are answered in laughter that echoes into the valley… when pure, radiant Love stands before you…
Will you run? Will you stand with open arms to receive? Will it be a burden you carry and then reject or will 
you see it as a Gift?
When Love comes knocking, will you pretend no one’s home or will you answer the door?
What we say, what we do and what we express is an all encompassing mirror, reflecting to the World and ourselves exactly Who We Are. 
Shine Love. Shine Bright. Shine gracefully into the Light. 

More to come....

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Salad Du Jour

7 March 2018 | 9:57 pm

Who says salad can’t be sexy?  Serio. Thanks to @marymary573 for the yummylicious cilantro dressing and cashew cheeze. If you’re wondering what else is stacked in that goodness pile: romaine lettuce, spinach, flax meal, hemp seeds, colored cabbage mix, sautéed corn w/ Basil, nooch & h.salt. Bon Appetit!

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#messagetomysister

20 February 2018 | 2:05 pm

Are you ready? Get ready. Please Open Heartfully and Joyfully. Hear/feel these words from The Hearts and Spirits of Divine Love:
We Adore You. The You that is Powerful, Smart, Courageous, Amazing, Beautiful, Kind, Generous and Graceful. 
We Love You. The Hidden bits. The In Your Face bits. The All or Nothing bits. 
We Admire You. The Lioness. The Goddess. The Queen. The Warrioress. The Healer. 
We Respect You. How You Choose To Walk/Talk with Integrity, Hope and Grace. 
We Honor You. From Maiden/Sister/Aunt/Mother/Grandmother/Crone/Elder/WiseWoman. 
Let us continue to support one another. To inspire and uplift each other. Let us Forgive ourselves so we can forgive others. Let us speak and act with the mindfulness of creating our worlds and dreaming them into BEing.
From stone, we emerge forth to greet any challenge or obstacle for that is where our strength resides.  From air, we rise and soar towards the heavens, carried by the wings of those who came before us. From earth, we cultivate our gardens burying our treasures (of pain and pleasures) so they can sprout like seeds, building a foundation of Who We Are. From fire, we burn bright like the stars of the cosmos, lighting the Way so others can See what lies beyond. From water, we ride each wave with a welcoming giggle, in awe of the depths that we dive into again and again, each time evolving and releasing any karma that no longer serves our highest Self. 
May this message shower you with blissful blessings of Love, Gratitude and Inspiration. 
Let this BE an Invitation to share the Truth that lives within the depths of your heart and soul.
#messagetomysister #messagetoallmysistars #goddess #circleofsistars #youinspireme #singanddrumyourtruth

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Momentary Reprieve

9 December 2017 | 8:20 pm

Momentary Reprieve 
I finally have a moment to catch my breath. I was watching the shadows and light dance as I set my coffee cup down. 
Here at the beach house, the black dress I’m wearing is camouflaging me as I sit typing on my friends’ black couch. In one week, I became unemployed, displaced and had to evacuate. Then, I slept somewhat in my car with the Stars to keep me company. Dear friends offered their homes as I tried to hold it all together with my usual brave front. 
This morning, it just hit me. ALL of it. My own emotions and thoughts and questions and doubts. As I scrolled through my news feed, posts from other displaced friends sharing their own stories…it just fuckin’ hit me and the tears I was doing my best to hold back came flooding down my cheeks. 
The sky here is a mix of grey with hints of blue. The Sun rose this morning. The Wind carries a song only a rare few can hear. The Sea continues to kiss the shore again and again. 
Please do not mistake my tears for weakness. They carry my sadness and frustration, my joy and gratitude, my story of honesty and recovery. They represent all that I cannot say with words and I was finally in a safe enough place to let them flow. 
I don’t know what the future holds for me, for You, for our Community. I know that we can choose to Create it. Whatever we envision, we can Dream It Into BEing. 
It’s been a tumultuous ride for me…from shock, fear, sadness, reflection. To gratitude. 
Now? I’m feeling antsy. I want to go Home. I also want to hide under the covers and not Adult, but that’s the opposite of being productive…and I need to Channel this energy into creating…something! 
My heart goes out to the many friends that have lost their homes. I know some are gathering this weekend to be together, play music and to just be there for one another. 
I still need some more alone time. I need to write, heal, cry, laugh and create. 
I’m with you all in Spirit. Loving you All always. 
That’s all for now. Will update more soon. 

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Reflection

6 December 2017 | 7:23 am

Reflection:
I have mix matched socks on. I had to get dressed in the Dark and in a hurry. The only light I had was from my phone. In the background, sirens were blaring and the wind was blowing debris against the windows and doors. A voice via a megaphone was instructing me to evacuate. Not even 5 min and I had to choose what would go with me. The ‘essentials’. Drum? Check. Laptop? Check. Sleeping Bag? Check. A few clothing items? Check. Socks and shoes? Check.
I rushed out to my car and I stopped in my tracks. The fire from the hillside that was a few hundred feet from the building was engulfed in flames. La Luna was hidden by Darkness and smoke. Someone pulled over and I leaned in to see if they needed help but they had their phone out to take a picture. Cars were lining the streets. People were staring up mesmerized by the scene before us that resembled Hell and The Apocalypse. I honestly didn’t know where to go. I thought of a place I felt safe so I headed there. I called them, but no answer so I parked in front of their house in Oxnard. I stared down the dark, unlit street. A few stars twinkled at me. I checked social media for updates and news. Fear set in. What will be left standing in the morning? I may have nothing left except for what I took with me, what I had on and whatever was in my storage.
That hit me hard. And I knew I wasn’t the only one.
Calls and texts started to come in. Places were being set up for evacuees to go. I didn’t really want to be around people. I didn’t want to break down in front of anyone and wear my fear on my face. I wanted to hide in the night and seek solace by myself. I wanted to go inward.
I was just laid off on Friday and now this. When I asked The Universe: What’s Next? I had little preparation for...well, THIS.
Fire cleanses. Fire brings renewal. Fire burns what we no longer need or want. Our inner fires can never be put out.
I slept in my car, curled up in my sleeping bag that reminds me of orange sherbet. Regardless of what happens, I’m alive. I’m safe. I have people in my life whom I love and care for. I have their prayers.
The Cross continues to smolder. Homes have been burned to the ground. And yet, Bell Arts Still Stands. Like a Beacon Of Hope through this destruction and devastation. For me, it symbolizes something so profound and meaningful. We will Create. We will continue to Dream. We will Rebuild.
Hopefully, through this tragedy we will rise from the ashes and get through this together and make this city EVEN BETTER. The citizens of this beloved community are some of the best people I know.
I love you All.

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The Better Helper

27 November 2017 | 4:31 am

When I was a kid, we didn’t have a whole lot of $. We made do on government food and a military budget shopping excursion at the Commissary.  I grew up on junk food (kool-aid, chicken nuggets, Hamburger Helper and PB&J's) and I’m grateful I’m eating a lot healthier as an adult today. 

I was craving comfort food on this cold California night and I loved this one particular Hamburger Helper dish that was pasta, cheese, marinara sauce & (gasp!) ground beef (before my non meat eating days). I decided to make a vegan, gluten free version.  Here's the recipe:


1-2 tbl spoons of Earth Balance vegan butter (I use the soy free one)
Better Than Meat pattie
1 box of Daiya cheddar mac n cheese
1-2 cups of marinara sauce
1/4 cup of nooch = nutritional yeast
Himalayan salt to taste
good music to dance to while cooking!

In medium pot, fill 3/4 with water and heat on high until boiling.  Place pasta in water and stir occasionally until al denta (about 5-min).  Rinse with cold water and set aside.  In medium size sauce pan, saute butter on medium heat. Place BTM pattie in the middle and after a minute or two, separate pattie with fork and spread out.  Cook for about 5 min. On low heat, add pasta, cheeze and marinara sauce.  Mix well.  Don't forget to do some dance moves!  Lastly, add nooch and H salt.

Et voila! 

Suffice it to say...it was Delish!! Memories of my childhood rushed forth and my heart (and belly) were so warm and fuzzy. Bon Appetit!

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Haunted Treasure

11 January 2017 | 7:42 am

It's not that the Loneliness was present, 
in full bloom blast like the dying tree in the distance…

It was the Haunting silence after a solitary car 
swooshes by and nothing echoes for miles, 
just my heart beating rhythmically, 
the only familiar sound to keep me company.

I spend all my waking hours day dreaming 
and the excitement to be free to Adventure 
is almost too much to contain. 
Packing, preparing and finally getting behind the wheel, 
shuffling through my music selection 
for the perfect road trip soundtrack….

Wishing beyond hope this will somehow 
take me away from my mortal and impermanent life, 
my loneliness and the vast emptiness 
I sometimes feel (and never speak of).

And in one quick moment, it's captured right there. 
Encapsulated in a single, beautiful image I never knew 
I would come face to face with.

A Mirror. And what lay hidden all along.

The Buried Treasure I had forgotten long ago, 
waiting to be uncovered, to once more see the Light of Day.

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Song Circle

14 December 2016 | 4:55 am Song Circle, Friday Dec. 30th 7-8pm
Studio 78 @ Bell Arts
432 Ventura Ave, Ventura Ca

Intention:
The Intention of each Song Circle is to create a Sacred Space where it's safe to express one's voice. We utilise Song as a medium to release what no longer serves us and to open channels for healing and creative expression. The indigenous songs themselves (some that are sung in Ceremonies) call on ancestral wisdom and ancient healing. Sitting in Circle and a way of Counsel links us back to a time when tribes would sit around fires and share their stories. There is no hierarchy.
Musical instruments, especially the Drum, represents not only one's heart beat but Mother Earth and the Community. We sit around a drum, unifying with each drum beat as our voices collectively gather in every song.
We gather to Sing, to Share, to Connect and to Heal in a Sacred Ceremonial Space.
All are welcome especially children.  Please bring a drum/musical instrument and an open heart.  This event is free but donations are welcome to cover Studio costs.  Please PM if you have any questions.
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Tears In Alchemy

2 September 2016 | 6:24 am I am unraveling. Things that were buried are now being unearthed. The shadows and deep hurts are revealing themselves more & more. Doors left ajar with repeated wounded stories are being closed. Mirrors in the form of old lovers are illuminating parts of me that I can forgive so things can heal and shift. It's not easy. Sometimes I just isolate and sit with it.
I mourn the buried treasure that now needs to be excavated and released.
Now in this very moment I turn towards the Grace and the Stars. Even hidden in the tears are sparkles of Light. Tucked away in the Darkness awaits the birth of a whole new world...

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Where Grace Lives

29 July 2016 | 6:36 am


It’s like this calling or longing...a great desire within me to travel the world in search of the missing pieces of myself.  A Global Pilgrimage if you will.  But, I’m not entirely sure I’m searching for the missing parts or if I’m just hoping to find my ‘Heart Home’ where Grace lives.
Sometimes I feel like many things are happening simultaneously.  I feel this restlessness to wander, explore and travel while sitting in stillness enjoying the present moment.  

A dichotomy that feels like an internal struggle where there is no victory, only more inquiry.

And sometimes, I feel as though I am a visitor in my own home.

There’s more.  It’s like a craving or gnawing hunger that food cannot simply satiate.  It is the Unseen thing flickering in your peripheral but gone when you turn to look at it head on.
It is Mystery incarnate.  It is beyond words and linear understanding.  

It is the ecstatic Love that was once tasted and then suddenly gone with no warning.  The unspoken and unanswered question of wondering if it will ever show up again.  The wanting of being Loved but holding All at arms length because that’s all you’ve known since and Fear has kept you company.

The unknowing of Who You Are at times and what you were meant to do on this Earthly plane of existence.

I know what I must do.  I need to Integrate.  Weave all my experiences, lessons, loss, love, tears, giggles...ALL of it into a Cosmic Blanket of Stars that turn into Wings when I need them so I can Soar and Flyyyyyyyyyy.... and when it has run its course, they turn into dirt and dust allowing me to feel the First Connection: Mother Earth.  Where we ALL belong and come from.

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Full Moon Reflection

19 July 2016 | 8:57 am As I stared into the glow of La Luna, I envisioned her bathing my entire body with Her moonlight.
I'm sure it may have seem odd to some. A lone woman, standing in the middle of the street and gazing up into the night sky. Her eyes and face mirroring love and awe.
In many myths, the Moon is female and the Sun is male. In one of my stories, it is the reverse. A Love Story for another time.

My thoughts stray to my Family. Not the one I was born into but the one I chose. My True Kapwa.
I reflected on our Ceremonies, how much I love it and how much the Community means to me. In words I simply cannot convey. It is the most precious time where we collectively gather and open our hearts to the mysteries of this Earth, and where our Spirits dance in and out of our dreams. It is a time where our hearts beat as one and our voices carry each other right alongside the Wind. It's where we share our secrets and stories by the fire. It is in this Sacred Safe Space where Love does not need a Voice, it is felt instantaneously like how one draws in breath or how a Mother wraps her arms around her children in comfort.

It is when we step out of Ceremony and rejoin the 'outside' world, where I try to reach with invisible hands ways to remind me of this 'ceremonious connection'. I dial numbers, I use my fingertips to spell out words... I reach out to those that were there so I can re-remember that it was real and that it DID happen... And how can I feebly attempt to feel that way again?
Connected. Loved. Seen. Heard. Validated. Embraced. Acknowledged.

Wholeheartedly.

That's my process of how I try to integrate the experience while still feeling Connected. The challenging dance of needing solitude for decompression and still feeling a part of the Circle created by the Ceremony.

I've also come to realize the magic of my Ancestors. Understanding how, who and what WE are. Connecting, networking, revealers of Love and Grace.
This magic runs in our blood. It is seen in tiny glimpses when our eyes twinkle.
And when I close my eyes tonight, it is always my wish to dream and adventure within all the realms hoping to meet some familiar Spirits along the Way.

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Mirror Mirror

25 April 2016 | 5:48 pm


I see and feel YOU.
The You that swims in the depths of these knowing waters.
Unreachable.  Unfathomable.
I try to speak but words are convenient and not apropos for this....one fleeting moment...
From Sky to Sea, there is nothing but our Reflections and our Story.
Jump! Dive even in uncertainty.
Trust.  Have faith.
Let Love be your guide.


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The Women of Hummingbird Circle with The Drum

30 March 2016 | 9:36 pm

On Saturday the Community of the Hummingbird Circle hosted a fundraiser for Muhutasen at the Bell Arts Factory in Ventura, Ca.

                                           
We opened for some really talented artists (chronological order of performances): Goodshield Aguilar and 7th Generation Rise, Bad Dog (Mark Shark, JT, Rick Eckstein & Quiltman), Street Poets, and Richard Cabral.  My palms are up.  Mass respect.

And...For the very first time, some of the Women from the Hummingbird Circle came together around a beautiful Drum.  We sang.  We drummed.  We laughed.  We cried.  Our voices intertwined with one another creating a joyous sound as we honored so many women who came before us, who were warriors that died in battle and whom we will never forget.


Our set consisted of five songs: 
The Chumash Welcome Song introduced by our Women's Sweatlodge Leader, Ana
The Women of the 507 introduced by our Drum Leader, Lola
The Willow Song introduced by our Chumash Sister, Judi
The Women Warrior Song introduced by our Drum Leader, Lola
The Grandmothers Song introduced by our Drum Elder, Uncle Debbie

There are no words that can truly describe the feelings I have when I sit with that drum amongst all my amazing sisters.  An overwhelming sense of pride mixed with sadness for those that have passed on and we remember through our songs.   A deep ocean of gratitude and joy for the honor of being a part of Hummingbird Circle.  And Love so infinite that it is my desire that each song we sing reaches all those around the world so they too know love, community and healing.

We are Women.  We are Warriors.  We are Teachers.  We are Dreamers.  We are Sisters.  We are Singers.  We are Wisdomkeepers.  We are Healers.  We are Grandmothers.  We are Drummers.
We are The Women of Hummingbird Circle.
We are Honored and Blessed.

Front row (from L to R): Bella, Sara, Ines and Elena
Back row (from L to R): Lola, Jeanette, Uncle Debbie, Joy, Ana, Me, Andi and Judi

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The Compass

31 January 2016 | 7:39 am
Now, look to your Right

You and I will take different paths. 
Sometimes we'll meet up. 
Sometimes we'll walk the path alone. 
It's the same destination. 
And our paths will cross and intersect with one another. 
Walk with me awhile. 
Laugh with me awhile. 
Sing and hop and dance with me awhile. 

Don't worry. 

There's a place inside my heart where you'll always stay. 



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He Rides The Wind

28 December 2015 | 4:14 am
He stands there, hands stuffed deep into his pockets with the dark of Night attempting to engulf him. The earth tones of green and beige cloth only seem to magnify his Presence.   His smile and Leo Heart outshines it All.

I look away for a moment and turn towards him again, but he is gone.  I realize now I was staring
at nothing but a Shadow… a memory of him.

As I stand in the middle of the street, staring into the Void, I cling to the hope of finding a Channel to see him, hear him, sense him.

It doesn’t take long for him to ‘hear’ my Call.

A second later, he is standing before me.  This time, it is no memory.

I resist the urge to reach out so I continue my stance, smiling with my lips and heart, knowing full 
well that this moment could not stay.   I knew the inevitable would happen and the Wind would 
come calling…but for now….

We do not know the reasons why we Come Together.  Perhaps, we know that we just do.  
Yet, we talk but never about how we feel.  We share, but we do more.  In gestures, in jokes, in smiles, in whispered and hushed tones, in dreams, in tee pees and rain, in blankets with the night sky above.

We are allotted a few hours and if we’re lucky, those hours turn to days.  Then, the Wind tells 
him it’s Time and the joy I once felt becomes sadness.  Luckily, it is only temporary.  Sometimes, 
I wish it were not so.

He chooses to ride the Wind.  I have chosen Earth and Ocean.  The Ether and Fire we share with
our Hearts and Spirit.  Our Love travels beyond the Cosmos, between Lifetimes.  In this Life, we
are friends and Spirits of The Path.  To be anything more, brings the barrenness of the Unknown.  
And the Unresolved.  Are we prepared for that? I know not.  Is it what we Desire?  The Answer is 
in our Dreams.

And so I sit here, thinking of when we come together.  My hands are open and free.  One cradles
a pen, the other a blank page.  Our wishes and adventures await their time to be released into the 
world.  To have their place like the stars shining above.  

It’s at these very moments, the Dreams come…

One side of the bed is empty and I stretch out my arm to touch the Wind.  As my eyes close, I begin
to drift off to sleep and find myself in a dream within a Dream.  He is there, laying next to me with that smile.  We are laughing as we often do and I lean in closer, closer, closer still.….

‘How does a Lion ride the Wind?’ I whisper softly in his ear.  

I turn to see the expression on his face.  He looks into my eyes and all I see are his vibrant blues 
slowly turning black.  I stifle a giggle and certainly don’t wait for his reply…

‘I don’t know.  You tell me.’

Then, there is Darkness.

The laughter is what I hear when I wake up.  After some time passes, a voice from the Ether says softly, 

“Until next time.”

The room comes into view and I see my arm is still outstretched on the other side of the bed.
The sheet is still warm from the dream and all I can do is laugh as the tears fall silently down my face.
I get out of bed and move slowly towards the closed curtains.  Looking out from the veil of the window, the streets are empty and the pelting of raindrops fills the night.   I see a shadow out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn there is nothing but the night breeze and a silent wish.

To Wake Up and Smile.  And Dream again…

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Mahal Du jour

4 December 2015 | 3:55 am Mahal Du jour
Yesterday morning we stood in a Circle and shared our Intentions before entering the Lodge. We took the time to acknowledge our Ancestors and noted the Auspiciousness of the day.  A time where the veils between the worlds were the thinnest. A chance to honor those that have passed on, where legend says the dearly departed have this one window in to visit with the living.
I talked of how I defined Family.  The Blood ties of our Ancestors and the family we are born into but also the bonds created from Spirit and Ceremony, forever linking us throughout the different dimensions. And, the ring extends out even further for me...the wonderful threads created at work and throughout my travels...

A beautiful blanket that weaves all of our stories, silence, tears, laughter, mistakes, lessons, sorrows, joys, wishes, prayers, dreams, fears Together... where the memories help to keep our hearts and souls warm on nights when it's cold and daunting.

Truly, A United Nations Kapwa where we are linked to one another across the various worlds.

My Gratitude knows no bounds.

Your Stories,
Your Voices,
Your Spirit,
Your Gifted Presence
inspires me each and every day.
(And sometimes, it's what gets me through the challenging times)

I love you...
Thank You

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The Silence in Fall

4 December 2015 | 3:53 am
We followed the path as it twisted and turned, occasionally looking up to the sky...smiling in between each step.  We found this particular spot by listening to the Canyon's synchronistic silence. As the wind blew, softly caressing our cheeks, the leaves fell like twisting colorful ribbons...reminding us of the Season as we transition and reflect, preparing our minds, hearts and spirits for the shadow of Winter. We stood there entranced with this impromptu dance, 
watching with gratitude and admiration.

Our bench awaited us, a wise old grey tree with wrinkled bark and thorns.  The leaves crunched underneath our feet as we continued to watch the Great Mother unfold the scene before us. 

Earth and air, stone and stream.  The surface deceptive as hundreds of leaves floated on top, giving the illusion it is a solid path for your next steps.

We sat in silence some more, lips slightly open with awe and we dreaded the moment when it was time to leave.  The longing began to rise within me so we made a pact to return. Returning Home is bittersweet for the time away seems like an eternity.

It is here in Nature where I can release what lays heavy on my heart.  Where each beginning has no end and illusions reveal themselves to be what they truly are...

It's where Home is unbelievably close and nothing else exists.  Where the wind whispers, reminding you of the Silence in Fall and how beautiful the leaves dance....


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Like Liquid

4 December 2015 | 3:51 am
Like Liquid Fire...
We are not the dying embers of hate and fear but 
a Collective of great bonfires fueled by our ecstatic desire-filled fierce FIRE. 
Have some of us forgotten Who We Are?

We are reminded every day of our mortality and 
how our one lifetime is but a ripple in a vast lake of Eternities.

We Create and Destroy, Weep and Smile, 
Open and Close the invisible bars around our hearts...

And Yet We Fall, then, 
We RISE and 
We somehow Persevere...

This Knowing is immeasurable and insatiable...
This surge of Spirit pulsing through me...these words like liquid 
pouring out of me...

Freedom is not just Imagining but Dreaming our Worlds INTO BEing...
Where our choices are birthed from our hearts and the deep bellies of 
OUR TRUTH.

Fear not, Dear Ones, Beautiful Shiny Sparkly Stars that you ARE...
The Invitation has always been there to...
Dance Pray Sing Laugh Release Create
C.E.L.E.B.R.A.T.E.

Come PLAY...Burn Bright! 
heart emotico

 

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Fuel for My Fire...

24 August 2015 | 12:59 am
I have realized that the fuel of my inner fire is partially fed by the amazing people in my life. This segment I'm sharing with you is part of a letter I wrote to a dear friend and fellow Dreamer...
'So much of my Path for the past 6 years has been this Journey through so many different Windows...the Guides have shown up in the most magical ways...some through Ceremony and some whilst I was traipsing through Europe when our paths crossed.  
And Here We Are. The same but different. Our faces no longer innocent but with hints of heartache.... No Regrets, right?  For what we have experienced always is intended to peel the layers of our armor....exposing our most wonderful treasures, the hidden parts we no longer can hide.....the Soul and Essence of our BEing and the HEARTh of our inner fires that fuel our creativity and nourish us so we can continue moving forward...because there are times when I ask... Why? Why keep going? 
Because even in this vast existence where we are but grains of sand and there's an Entire Ocean of Mystery out there, we were put Here to bring Love, Beauty, Grace and Compassion into this World.  
We are the Warriors of the Spirit and Heart.  The Swords we carry are not the conventional weapons of past times but consist of Steel that stems from our Inner Most Truth and a hilt containing the Deepest Love this Earth has ever known. 
We fight not for war but for Love and Peace.  
We dance and sing to Celebrate Who We Are.  
We Create to Nourish What We Hold Dear.  
We love for neither gain or notoriety but because it is the very essence of Who We Truly Are, the ones that Dream True.  
We, the Dreamers and Dancers, are the Magical Manifestors that roam this reality...in the hopes of meeting one another along The Way..
We Live Within the Mystery and bathe in Shadow and Light from the Heavenly Skies.. 
You Are Seen. You Are Loved. You Are Celebrated. 
Now it's your turn. Update me. :0)'

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sleep tonight

11 April 2015 | 11:43 pm
I find myself unable to sleep tonight. The chatter within is especially incessant. As I close my eyes, I am taken back to Saturday. That morning, our women's Lodge took place where nearly 40 sisters gathered. The different generations were represented as were the many nations. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we drummed. And through our Blood, Sweat, Tears and Spirits...this sacred ceremony deepened our connection to each other and ourselves...the stone people whispered to us, carrying the messages of our ancestors...reminding us again and again of Who We Are. Children of the Earth. Shining Stars of the Cosmos.
Tonight, in the silence of this hour, whilst I battle this insomnia I begin to question Everything. Doubt seeps in, crawling close as it often does. It is in moments like these, I think of our last Lodge...
As I lay there in the dirt, the heat covering me like a blanket, I wrestle with what brought me there. The struggles, the hurts, the patterns I'd like to break free from.
The Blackness Within merges with the darkness inside the Lodge and I find it challenging to breathe. My chest is heavy and I think, "Am I going to make it through this?" A question often asked inside and outside the Lodge.
Then, a Sister begins her song and everything is different. Our voices reach out and connect together like the branches of our Lodge. We sit together in this Circle, sharing from the Heart and become the Voice of many.
Even now, I can still hear the songs we sang that day. Sleep may not come but my Sisters are always with me and for that, I am forever grateful. 

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Only Love

9 May 2014 | 6:36 am
Msg Begins Here:

I know you are Sad right now and think you need to have it All figured out. Sometimes we are so much in our Head that we forget where we really need to be. Sorrow much like joy can be a platform for inspiration. Create with it. Create FROM it but do not dwell on it nor allow it to stay too long inside. Sadness like fear and anger Consumes. Only Love relinquishes you and sets you truly Free. Only Love not only guides but supports and nourishes You in ways nothing else can. It is from a place of Love, not Sorrow, where we can know Our Grace. Our True Self. Our Heart Home.
Remember...

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Day One. Journal Entry

25 December 2013 | 7:30 pm
'I know sometimes you wonder how I'm doing or what I've been up to. You'll come here and read what I've written with the hopes of somehow feeling not so far away even though we have not been close in a very very long time. My words will reach you in places that are normally locked away and most of the time, you pretend that I've moved or perhaps you've created this fantasy that I'm in another place and I'm happy.
Most days I'm content. Others I rage, I cry or I withdraw.
Sometimes I reminisce about my past. Places will remind you of that. They carve out these hidden gems of memory and forgotten desires, dreams that never turn to wishes or they become the stories you never want to tell again for fear of 'remembering'.
The pain is sometimes swift. A dull ache a crass joke can smother temporarily. It lies dormant, a snake of dark cunning whispers, awaiting and biding its time to unleash. Suddenly. Inevitably.
There is no escape.
Instinctually, most reach for the needle of reprieve, the silver lining in any form. But, alas, how can we embrace the Light without paying homage to our Shadow.
On Day One, after the Winter Solstice, I am called to shed these thoughts from the conundrum that is my existence and yours for that matter.
I eagerly await your non response.
I know better now.
It is Here I relinquish the silence that carries my woes, my sorrows, my attachments, my nightmares, my struggles, my strife, my addictions, my unworthiness, my illusions, my suffering.
It is Here I acknowledge and honor these Truths.
It is Here I ask for assistance in releasing what no longer serves and to transmute my Shadow Parts with the Graceful Flame of Light.
From Crow to Dove to the Phoenix.
Death. Redemption. Arising from the ashes….
It is the Love from within, not the doubt or fear or shame of the Past, that fuels the inner flame of my Soul, Heart, Spirit, Self.
It is the lessons of this pain and Shadow that I have come to embrace my TrueSelf. It is through this acknowledgement and Full Acceptance of Who I Am and All That IS, I came to a plateau of Understanding and Peace.
And Gratitude. And more Love.
Within these roots of the deep Center Of Self, with the assistance of the God/dess, I embark on this next journey with renewed senses.
Open.
Radiating through the Fire.
Dancing on the Earth.
Listening to the Wind.
Becoming with the Ocean.
The Home we have longed for has always been Here.'

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How We Leos Love

13 December 2013 | 12:47 am We Leos don't love like the rest.

Sometimes we love with our hands.

Sometimes we love through our Art.

And most of the time,

we love with our entire BEing

and our heARTs are SOOO Big

that when we love...

we're scared that we may literally love you to death

or maybe we're scared that you won't love us the way we love you.

A broken hearted Leo is a sorry sight to see. What's worse? A Leo too scared to love again because of being hurt and we Leos hurt, you know.  We don't show it because we're proud but that layer just outside of our hearts is really soft.  It's why we get so defensive sometimes.  There's this illusion of protection but, truly, our way of loving is often like a child's at first...open, innocent, unconditional...it's when the past creeps up and old wounds get exposed and the fears just barely held at bay start to whisper...crawling to the surface where those Leos that have been hurt before (too many to count) go into fight or flight mode and close ranks...especially around the heart.  Arms once open become closed and wary.  Eyes once filled with Hope become suspicious and fearful.  The gentle purring becomes a Loud Rooooaaaarrrr and we're left wondering, Leos and Lovers alike, on what to do next.

The reassurance comes forth in the silky folds of a Voice filled with Wisdom and Truth...

Be Honest.  Be Gentle.  Be Kind.  Be Forgiving.  Be Loving.

Consider giving a Second Chance maybe a Third.

Channel and transmute the energy towards loving each other with respect, honor and kindness.

Communicate and share deeply.

Walk hand in hand together.

Let Go.

Accept and Love One Another Unconditionally.

Appreciate the tiny gestures as well as the grand.

And Never
......................................Ever
...............................................Ever
Give Up.

On Love.

Ever.


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