Is Your Boyfriend a Liar? Beware! | Pinay.com
By Bopeep C. Espiritu, Pinay.com Author
“I’m on my way. I’m sorry… the traffic is unbelievable,” said the man to her girlfriend in a text message. She has been sitting at the restaurant for an hour now. “Okay, I just started with some light salad. I am really hungry now, you know,” she said.
If she only knew—he has just gotten out of bed and is just about to take a shower. This is a scene when a boyfriend decides it is better to lie than to ruin the chances of having a good time with his girlfriend. Some people justify this as a white lie. But when does a white lie turn dark?
While some white lies are often acceptable, we must understand the reasons that make a person tell a lie—and to what frequency. We know that lies can be damaging not just to the person being lied to, but also to the liar himself. Some say that a certain amount of lie is necessary for relationships to be harmonious. Is it?
In order to avoid falling victim to liars, let us first have a closer look at the intricacies of a lie and the liar that make them.
What is a lie? In its ethics guide, the bbc.co.uk defines a lying as, “giving some information while believing it to be untrue, intending to deceive by doing so.”
It usually has three key elements:
- It communicates only bits of information
- The liar has the intention to deceive
- The liar is actually aware that what they are saying is not true.
World-renowned ethicist and philosopher Sisella Bok defines a lie as, “an intentionally deceptive message in the form of a statement.” A lie that is told to protect one’s feelings is called compassionate lying. Bok describes compassionate lie in her seminal book “Lying: Moral Choice in Private and Public Life”(1978).
J.R. Bruns, MD, in his article, “Can White Lies Make a Romance Better?” (published in psychologytoday.com) said that white lies or omitting the truth are told by spouses or partners to “…shield each other from things they don’t need to know and to protect their relationship.” Experts call this as “protective buffering.” It is not to be confused with a similar behavior they refer to as “avoidance,” where a spouse deliberately omits the truth in order to protect himself. Researchers establish that for protective buffering to be successful, the deceiver must have an impeccable memory for his story to remain consistent.
While protective buffering may in the short-term maintain an atmosphere of peace and quiet, the deceiver will eventually find himself being eased in to a double-life: one that is virtually packaged up and perfect, and gathers the approval of many; while the other is hidden somewhere underneath, fearful and ashamed of inadequacies.
When the lies are frequent and benefiting only the deceiver, somebody is bound to get hurt because the trust is broken. In a relationship, the person being lied to has lost the opportunity to plan her future because what she knows as true are only half truths. She has been betrayed.
Unfortunately, there are some people who are incurable liars. They want to remain the way they are. So, if you have a relationship with a person that tells a lie and a litany of lies. Beware! He has not earned your trust. Tuck in that hurtful experience in your book of life. Trust that this experience happened with the universe’s best intention—to mold you and prepare you for better things, perhaps, in the near future, a better partner.
After school, I had a few years wandering between jobs to heed the call of financial obligations and artistic pursuit.
I am now back in the process of pursuing my passion as a writer and photographer. It is never too late.
Sept. 12, 2018
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